Three #American Gs . . .

God. Guns. Gays.

The three Gs of modern-day America.

Hijacked by the pursuit of money — and somehow attached to each other — they’re three of the main components making equality non-existent in reality.

And convinced that God wants them to have guns and hate gays, the masses who have been brainwashed by a series of false prophets continually let a political party’s ability to hijack Christianity from God take food away from children.

Don’t believe me?

The current federal minimum wage is $7.25 an hour. Annually, that translates into a $15,000 pre-tax income.

It would be difficult for a person to support him or herself on $15,000 a year. Add a kid or two into the equation and you add the need for another job or a reduction in hours to qualify for more federal assistance.

Then comes the proverbial rock and hard place.

The rock says two full-time jobs would gross $30,000 per year, making it slightly less difficult to provide for those kids. The hard place says two full-time jobs would mean less involvement as  a parent, making it easier for those kids to fall through the cracks.

Of course, that minimum-wage job could simply be the bottom rung of a ladder. Work hard for 10 years, and there’s sure to be a shot at an assistant manager position and the $12 an hour that comes with it. Maybe, at least. Maybe not.

I don’t know.

But I do know those prophets have told me — and then reminded me — that taking a little federal help in order to be a more active parent simply means I’m lazy. All I want to do is sit in the recliner, eat food-stamp Doritos and flip through the 472 channels I get because I couldn’t possibly understand how to eliminate DirecTV from my government-funded budget.

I think I believe them, but I especially want the Big Ten Network. So I’ve got to get two jobs.

Yeah, these guys know what they’re talking about. Anyone not willing to work for BTN is a parasite. And that whole universal health care thing?

How could you possibly think it’s OK for your children to have the same access to health care mine have? I mean, I’ve got two full-time jobs and BTN. All you’ve got is a 27-hour-a-week shift at Denny’s and a Roku.

Think my kids have earned a bit more, don’t you?

And, God knows, after you have my insurance you’re going to go after my BTN. That’s simply crossing the line.

Besides, the work I do at both my jobs doesn’t do anything to pad the pockets of corporate executives. I couldn’t possibly imagine greed or corruption being issues for people who have climbed the ladder of the American dream by working hard, taking their vitamins and saying their prayers.

Aside from a few chance encounters at Hulkamania conventions, how do I know they’re saying their prayers?

Because those politicians receiving their donations are always talking about God. And they’re always telling us what God wants.

You know, stuff like wage inequality and an NRA gold card and discrimination because of sexual orientation.

Now, I’m not the most avid Bible reader in the world, but I think I remember something about where Jesus turned his back on everyone who didn’t follow him while promoting violence, asking us to put ourselves before others and encouraging us to avoid humility at all costs.

I’m not sure, but I think he did. Besides, we have honest, hard-working Christians like Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson — none who have misled the public about their faith or really have anything to gain by doing spreading the message — telling us what God wants and why it’s important that we refuse to acknowledge the views or beliefs of those who are not like-minded.

And that’s what the Tea Party is all about, right? Just a bunch of God-fearing, unyielding folks who believe in the value of hard work and family.

Oh, and individual rights. They’re always talking about how the government is stripping us of our rights.

So I think the perceived hypocrisy of pushing for more government involvement within the walls of our homes while asking the government to do less to ensure that hard work is rewarded at every level is simply a misunderstanding. Perhaps even irony.

It’s not that these guys detest the idea of two men spending their lives together in a committed, loving relationship. They just feel that allowing people who aren’t like them to have the same rights as them is an infringement upon the rights of those who are like them.

Kind of like how protecting the freedom of religion for Muslims or Jews is an attack on Christianity. I think Jesus said something about that, too.

And I think he probably mentioned something about the importance of gun ownership and protecting the rights of gun owners. You know, so you could simply pull out your Oozy or AK-47 when facing death instead of being forced to proclaim him as your savior on the spot.

Guns give us time to figure out how that proclamation will go down. They also give us time to show our love for Jesus by denying rights to people whose genetics are slightly different than ours by hiding behind the mask of a 120-year old term loosely connected to 2,000-year-old text.

Besides, it’s that genetic difference that threatens the American family.

It’s definitely not guns.

And it absolutely can’t be the overworked single mom who is unable to spend time with her kids because of a pair of minimum-wage jobs that also serve to line the pockets of an extremely wealthy man who gives back by providing salaries for lobbyists who tell of the importance of gun ownership and the threat homosexuality poses to those who aren’t homosexual.

And then he reminds us how both are vital for the survival of Christianity (and, perhaps, yacht sales).

Yep, think that’s exactly how Jesus drew it up.





Croutons, lard and rotary phones (Madness)


I’m going to step back here — get a little less serious.

Frankly, I’m not a serious guy. I’m so not serious that I find it difficult to believe any parents would name their son Frank Lee.

I also don’t understand a salad without croutons. Lettuce is OK, but the crunch factor provided by croutons is a must.

No croutons in your pantry?

I might let you slide with some crumbled crackers or Doritos. But not both.

And do people even have pantries anymore? Are they like rotary phones?

You know, grandma displayed them both with pride — her polished phone and her spotless pantry.

“Need to make a call?” she’d ask. “Come watch me methodically turn the slotted wheel on my phone.  Need a snack? I might have some Werther’s Originals in the pantry. Follow me while I grab them and point out all the other healthy options available to you. Just be careful not to knock over one of the 10 buckets of lard on the floor. I need that stuff.”

Pantries, rotary phones and lard. How I miss you.

When the three of you were a part of my life, everything was so simple. And croutons were always around.

That’s not the case anymore. Somewhere between He-Man’s final battle with Skeletor and Ruby’s last straw being pulled when Max left his right slipper in the kitchen, the world turned its back on croutons.

No, I’ll never get over it. But I will try and move on.

I’ve been trying.

But when something doesn’t go my way, my blame finger (left pinky) always points at how the world discarded croutons without regard. The world — and its lack of respect for a crunchy salad — is always at fault.DSC_0386

So, world, when I look at my NCAA tournament bracket, I blame you.

You’re the reason I didn’t go with my gut when I saw North Dakota State’s insanely high field-goal percentage matched up against an Oklahoma team that tends to rely on the 3-pointer too much. You’re the reason I let the Sooners slip through, thought they had favorable matchups through the rest of their region and would sneak into the Final Four. You’re the reason my bracket is busted.

Yep, Day 1 of the tournament, and I’m done. I’m like a crouton in a low-carb salad.

And that makes me sad.

The rest of my bracket is kind of nice to look at. My highlighter has touched the paper many more times than my Sharpie, meaning I’ve picked more games correctly than incorrectly.

I’ve nailed a couple upsets — both of which were the product of hours of studying, number-crunching and team-by-team comparisons. Ain’t no luck in my bracket, Andrew.

Name’s not Andrew? Then go watch the Indianapolis Colts. That’s right, my sentences all make sense.

They haven’t been croutoned, rotary-phoned or larded. Also haven’t been edited — like my tournament picks.

Wow, full-circle. That’s how I just brought it — like a cheerleader dominating the regional championships.

Too bad my regional championships will include, at most, seven teams and a thick blue line from the tip of my Sharpie. And we all know thick blue lines aren’t very good on the offensive glass, which is one of the keys to winning basketball games in March.

It’s also a key to winning games in November. Other months, too.

Like October or July or April or any month a basketball court is filled with players who are wearing shoes and dribbling balls — a condition that might require medical attention.

I’ve heard it’s caused by an abundance or lard, overused dialing fingers and crunch-less salad. Furthermore, there are no known cures.

And the best way to control it is to let the past go, forgive the world for its dismissal of your favorite salad topper and slide into a basketball-induced March coma.

When you wake up in April, the dribbling will still be there. But the madness that comes with it will nearly be gone.

Because, as sure as lard and rotary phones — and recognized through the lyrics of a band named after a state divided between three teams — dust is less common in today’s wind than yesterday’s crouton.

Or something like that.